Coffey on alcohol

The Pleasure Principles Q&As are pretty much fun. Here’s an excerpt from the one we had last night. A new round begins in October – sign up if you know what’s good for you (or, better yet, if you don’t -HA!).
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A BuzzFeed-esque review of STRONG COFFEY

by Kate N. of Washington DC.

1. My legs are crazy strong and hot.

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2. I can do ten push ups in a row.

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3.  I have an unbelievable butt now.

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4.  No one is going to look like me, and I’m not going to look like anyone else,
and that’s really OK.

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5. Wheat and sugar make me feel like poo, and also just make me want to eat more wheat and sugar.

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6. Running makes me miserable and fucking sucks but I can run a 5k if I want to. I just choose not to.

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7.  I am a badass.

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8. Triceps are sexy.

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9. So are quads.

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10. The shitty committee in my head has gotten quieter, and on the days they are loud I’m learning how to tune them out.

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11.  I am learning  what my body needs and doesn’t need and whether it’ll make me truly happy.

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12. Did I mention I have a butt now?

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13. Self-love comes from within, the rest is all gravy.

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Coffey’s Pleasure Principles:
an online course to get you HAPPILY grounded in HEALTHIER habits.
You’ll be glad you did.

Kelly Coffey - New Orleans 199890001 in paint w kettlebell

How this Hedonist Got Hooked on Exercise

he·don·ist:  hēdnist / noun / a person who believes that the pursuit of pleasure is the most important thing in life; a pleasure-seeker.
Did someone say 'vices'? Mardi Gras, 1999 (Oooh yeah...)
Did someone say ‘vices’?
Mardi Gras, 1999
(Oooh yeah…)

Experiencing pleasure – at least, the absence of pain – was always my priority. But taking my pleasure first often guaranteed I’d deal with pain later. With most vices, this is the order of operations; drinking precedes a hangover, getting high precedes flunking a math test, spontaneous sex precedes all manner of undesirable outcomes, and endless-chocolate-cake-cookies-and-ice-cream precedes unnecessary weight gain.

In the name of pleasure I spent 25 years of my life in pain. Continue reading

5 Facts About My Abusive Relationship

Independent and energetic, outgoing and bold, I seem to be a study in female empowerment.

To look at me, you’d never guess that I’m in an abusive relationship. 1 Not with my husband – he’s a sweetheart – but with myself. Continue reading

Notes:

  1. I’m writing here for maximum impact. Domestic abuse is very real and not to be taken lightly. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, help is available now. Call (800) 799-7233.

Louis CK, The ‘Fat Girl’ Soliloquy

“You know what the meanest thing you can say to a fat girl is? ‘You’re not fat.’” 1

Louis CK invites the great Sarah Baker to sum up what so many of us feel and have felt as fat women: that fat women are overlooked, they are rejected, and that love is hard to find.

That Louis CK gave a fat woman 7 minutes to be honest and open and angry on Monday night’s show makes him the boss. Humanity may not, in fact, be doomed. Continue reading

Notes:

  1. I would argue it’s ‘You’d be so pretty if you were thin,’ but what do I know?
Me, Before & During

Loving My 300-Pound Body Keeps Me Thin

Want to get thin? Stay thin? Neither? Then love your fat.

We’re tormented by our obsession with weight. Losing weight is hard to do, and the overwhelming majority of us gain back whatever weight we lose (and then some). Every failed weight loss effort drags us deeper into depression. It becomes harder and harder to get and stay motivated. On the heels of every failed effort, we grab for anything to numb out, to check out, to quiet the critical, screaming beast in our heads. We drink, we watch TV, we eat. And eat. And eat. Continue reading

Me, During & During

5 Things I Miss About Weighing More Than 300 Pounds

 

I used to weigh more than 300 pounds. I smoked like a house on fire, I drank like a blues guitarist, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I never, ever exercised.

In 2003 I lost more than half my body weight. In 2007 I started a wildly successful personal training career. Today I’m fit enough to run (though I usually choose not to), and thin enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into size 6 jeans (though I usually wear super-stretchy workout clothes).

You might think that when I reflect on my 300-pound self that it would be with disdain or pity. Hell no. The longer I’m thin, though, the more I miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away. It may sound strange to some, but here are five things I miss about my old, obese self: Continue reading

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March: When New England Hits Bottom

New Englanders hit bottom in March.

It’s hard to get out of bed, hard to get motivated, hard to be nice to the people we know, and hard not to punch the people we don’t. We’re vitamin D-deficient, we don’t remember what sunlight looks like, and we’re still broke from the holidays. The last time most New Englanders moved was when they walked from the table to the couch at Thanksgiving. 1 Continue reading

Notes:

  1. Let I, and those like me who exercised through the winter be truly grateful. Amen.
exhausted-figure

Wellness for the Sleep-Deprived

Q:  Hey, Coffey – how can I consistently exercise, eat well, maintain emotional equilibrium and make steady progress toward my healthiest, happiest self on an average of 5-6 hours of sleep? 
A:  You can’t.

When we’re tired, life is about just making it through the day; getting to work alive, 1 surviving the workday, 2 and pulling off evening obligations. 3 We keep ourselves upright all day with drugs and sugar, collapse in a heap in front of a screen, eat more junk, and go to bed way too late – again.  <!–more–>

Don’t get me wrong, sleep isn’t a magic bullet. Getting eight hours every night won’t make you the kind of person who thinks nothing of preparing healthy meals. Eight hours of shut-eye will not catapult you to the gym every morning at 6 am. But you can bet your butt you’ll be a lot more likely to make those kinds of choices once you’re consistently getting enough sleep.

To that end, here are 5 tips to help get your ass in bed at a reasonable hour:

1- Make it a decafternoon.

In the morning, do what you will in the caffeine department; after noon, cut it out.

2- Front-load your screen time.

Stare at screens earlier in the evening, if at all. Nothing’s going on tonight that you can’t read –  or watch – tomorrow.

3- Set a get-ready-for-bed alarm.

When that puppy goes off, begin the process of bedding down for the night. Aim to be in bed 15 minutes before you’d like to be asleep – set the alarm accordingly.

4- Stick to a pre-sleep routine.

Figure out what yours is, or should be, and follow it. In the same order. Every night.

5- Go to bed when you’re tired.

Assuming your other obligations are met, if you’re tired, go to bed. No one will miss you, and you won’t miss anything good, I promise.

 

Notes:

  1. Caffeine.
  2. More caffeine, a sugary snack, followed by a starchy lunch, and probably another sugary snack.
  3. A quick and easy dinner? Hmm, how about pasta?/ref] so we can finally ‘relax.’ 4With a sweet treat because, by God, we deserve it! That, and some counter-productive, hyper-stimulating screen time.
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Sack the Snacks

The biggest problem with modern eating – the root cause of many of our nutritional, weight, and behavioral woes – is snacks. Compared to what our grandparents ate at mealtimes, modern meals have certainly changed, but the most significant change, by far, from then to now is the volume we eat between meals.  

If you’re a regular snacker who’s nonetheless healthy and happy, my hat is off to you. For the rest of us, here are a few good reasons to sack the snacks: Continue reading

Exercisey Coffey.
Tres Dark. Tres Edgy. 
Mais oui.

Fat Body, Ten Years Gone: A Love Letter

Hey there, Hot Stuff -

It’s been a long time. Over ten years. Time flies. I’m married now and have two tiny daughters, a two-year-old and a one-year-old.  Believe it or not, I’m a personal trainer. I know, I know – how the hell did that happen, right?  I’ll spare you the details, but after you and I finally connected, 1 things changed. 2 things changed. I lost half my body weight, and then I started to get healthy, and the getting healthy gave me my first real shot at happiness. 3

Continue reading

Notes:

  1. After I finally came to love and accept you just the way you were, all 300+ pounds of you, all your quirks, perfections, and imperfections.
  2. To say the least.
  3. I’m still dealing with depression, so the happiness isn’t a constant, but it is something I appreciate when it’s happening. A lot.
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Dear Guy at the Gym,

I only ever see you at the gym. Maybe in other contexts you’re a thoughtful, knowledgeable person. Regardless of how competent you may be in other areas, it’s clear to this personal trainer that you have absolutely no idea what the hell you’re doing when it comes to lifting weights. 1 Continue reading

Notes:

  1. I imagine the guy in the above photo does actually know what he’s doing. And if he doesn’t, the heavily oiled fella  behind him is sure to save the day.
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Not exercising today? No worries.

Oh, look – you’re not working out. Big deal.

Before you slip further into your special blend of self-hating meanspeak and self-pity, I have a few suggestions:

1- If today’s not the day, let it not be the day.

Unless you’re being ordered by a doctor to “exercise now, or else,” 1 you don’t need to start the Couch to 5K today. Continue reading

Notes:

  1. And even, in some cases, if you are.
Kelly Coffey Before 307lbs c

Portrait of the Trainer as an Addict

“How do you know you’re addicted to sugar and starch?”

I get this question a lot. Admittedly, sugar and starch addiction is less devastating than alcoholism or drug addiction. But just because I’ve never sold my body for a bagel doesn’t make it any less of an addiction.

So how do I know I’m a sugar and starch addict?

Continue reading

One Mindful Moment

It’s a challenge to live healthier – and treat ourselves better – today than we did yesterday. This is especially true if we’re addressing compulsion, addiction, or emotion-numbing behaviors. No matter what we’re trying to overcome, mindfulness can be our greatest ally.

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The next time you’re itching for a fix, 1 before you pick up and check-out, ask yourself one or all of the questions below.

Continue reading

Notes:

  1. of nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, TV, sugar, processed food, Homeland, gambling, anonymous sex, eBay, opiates, chapstick, Diet Coke…
angry cat

Haters Gonna Hate (A Note on Your Critics)

You’re doing something new in the service of your 1 health. You’re lifting weights. You’re eating all whole, real food. You quit talking to your back-stabbing “friend.” You stopped huffing glue, or smoking tryptophan. You’re eating mindfully. You threw away your scale. You’ve stopped eating based on convenience and begun eating as we evolved to eat 2. You’re meditating 3 everyday. Whatever you’re doing, you feel GREAT.

Cue the haters: “But WHY?!” “That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?” “It’s just not normal.” “You’re being irrational.”

If you’re anything like me, when other people question your choices, you begin questioning your choices, too.

Continue reading

Notes:

  1. mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual
  2. …and in a way that will bring you into – or help you naturally maintain – balance.
  3. …or mastubating…
If your trainer is spotting you from a squat position, she may be plotting to kill you. Oh, and you should both be wearing shirts.

Bench Press Begets Bench Press

For folks like me, cookies are cannibalistic: we choose to eat just one, but that first cookie chooses to eat untold hordes of other innocent cookies. Luckily, this snowball effect can work in our favor, too. Weight training, especially for the novice, works in much the same way as the cookie phenomenon: you decide to do the first rep, that first rep practically does the rest. Cookie begets cookie; bench press begets bench press. Continue reading

cookie-is-a-cannibal

That Cookie is a Cannibal

I’ve been enjoying a weeks-long period of true abstinence from sugar and starch. Energetic and rested, peaceful and proud of my clean streak, it’s a pleasure to wake up every day. Free of the insulin cycle, I am physically and emotionally at the top of my game. The satisfaction is all-pervasive, and I wonder how I could ever feel differently. Continue reading

Am I Talking to You? (A wellness-related flowchart)

 

YES? Start at the beginning.

Undecided? Start at the Drag Queen.

Better yet, skip to Why We’re Fat and How We Get Skinny – Naturally.

Thanks to Breeden Creations and Dengrove Studios
 
It's easier to be healthy with a BMI in the 40s when you're only 19.

Self-acceptance & Self-love Part One: The Why & The How

We’ve lost the war on obesity. Fighting fat hasn’t made
the fat go away.
                        -   Dr. Linda Bacon, Ph.D., “Healthy at Every Size

Self-acceptance is the crucial ingredient to making lasting, positive change. Self acceptance is also the key to happiness, whether or not you change a thing. You’ve been in therapy. You’ve heard all this before. For many, the concepts of ‘self-acceptance’ and ‘self-love’ are purely academic. I hope this post helps make both concepts a tad more tangible and meaningful. Mine is just one story, but the issue of internalized hate is universal. Feel free to sub in your own facts.

Continue reading

I'll rarely look this hot during one of our session, but I guess it could happen.

The Best Exercise for Weight Loss

Q: “I’m overweight and I want to lose weight 1.  What exercise will make me lose weight?”

Let me cut right to the chase: Exercising to lose weight is like bailing out the Titanic with a 5-gallon bucket. Sure, you’re doing something, but the ship is still going down. Even the ACSM agrees – exercise alone is not a very effective weight loss tool.

Continue reading

Notes:

  1. Read: “I want to drop excess, unnecessary, ultimately harmful fat,” thank you very much.
I WILL OWN YOU!!!

The Single Best Reason to Exercise

Work. Money. Relationships. Kids. In-laws. Time. Betrayal. Warts. Inevitable death.

You’re stressed. I can feel it from here. You should exercise more 1.

I WILL OWN YOU!!!
I WILL OWN YOU!!!

Stress has a purpose: to inspire one of a few responses, most of them physical, and all of them helpful to someone who wants to keep breathing. Continue reading

Notes:

  1. By “more” I mean “at all.”
Margaret Gorman of Washington, D.C., was the first Miss America in 1921. The Miss America pageant was first devised as a way to extend the summer tourist season in Atlantic City, N.J.

“Now slowly back away from the scale…”

I’m eight, sitting on the floor of a hotel room in Orlando. I’m on vacation with my grandparents, and we’re watching the Miss America Pageant*. At some point in the spectacle, Miss New York, my home(state)girl, wisps across the stage as her stats pop on the screen: 22 years old, 5’10”, 126 pounds.

And so the idea that  22 years + 5’10” + 126 lbs = Beauty  shoots a firm, thick root down into my young, fertile mind.

I think to myself, OK — I can be that. I’m eight years old, but I’ll age. I’m only about four and a half feet tall, but I’ll grow. Too young and too short, yes, but me and Miss NY are practically the same weight! As long as I don’t gain an ounce in the next 14 years…Hmm…I wonder how many girls don’t gain an ounce during puberty. I wonder how much an inch weighs… Continue reading

We're related.

Why We’re Fat & How We Get Skinny* – Naturally

“Coffey, the way you eat seems so restrictive. Removing whole food groups like that? It’s unnatural, not to mention physically and psychologically unhealthy.”

Oh, I disagree. Allow me to explain my thinking.

We're related.
We’re related.

Our bodies evolved to thrive in perfect synchronicity with the planet. For most humans across most of history 1, this synchronicity involved the ebb and flow of the seasons. And for most humans across most of history, life was a study in survival, a study in securing food. 2

Winter’s end is approaching. We’ve been living on insulin-releasing, fat-storing grain and hardy fruit for months. But these crucial, life-sustaining, high-sugar and high-starch foods are running out. If we are wealthy enough to have cultivated and stored more than the average family,  what remains of our food is overtaken by hungry pests – our perpetual enemies in the war for calories (energy) – themselves waking from their winter slumber. By the first thaw, those with the best root cellars have been living for weeks or months on nothing but small rations of potatoes and other starchy tubers. The truly lucky have a small stash of dried beans from which to draw. Come March we are weak and lethargic from inactivity and a lack of nutritious food.

Spring could not come quickly enough.

Livestock, thin from the winter and from gestating young, are giving birth onto newly-thawed ground. We set about planting the food that will mark the end of winter’s forced vitamin and mineral deficiency. Early spring vegetables are soon available in abundance. Once a new generation is safely born, we are at liberty to slaughter a few older livestock and feast on fresh, lean meat. We fish the increasingly populous rivers and streams. The protein in these springtime feasts enables our bodies to repair winter’s damage and rebuild lost muscle. If we’re lucky enough to be able to digest dairy, we share fresh milk with nursing goats and cattle. Sowing fields, repairing damaged homes, and tending gardens means we are active from dawn to dusk every day. There is no wheat and hasn’t been for months. There is no fruit. The tubers and beans are gone. Physically active, living on fresh vegetables, lean meats and milk, we move toward the lower end of our natural weight range. We regain our full strength and health. We are energized. We are sated.

The internal combustion engine, an integral part of a modern, 'balanced' diet.
The internal combustion engine, an integral part of a modern, ‘balanced’ diet.

Summer is a time of even greater activity. As each week unfolds, different crops become available, and for the short time that each individual food is ‘in season,’ our tables and bellies are full of them. The ‘balanced meal,’ a post-industrialization fabrication that necessitates both electricity and the internal combustion engine, does not exist. We eat our fill of what we have. What we don’t have, we anticipate. This anticipation makes foods special. It adds meaning to the seasons. It gives us a chance to live in the state of wanting, which increases our experience of pleasure and, many social psychologists report, our overall happiness. Through summer we continue to inhabit the low end of our natural weight range. There is an abundance of fresh food, physical activity and deep, well-earned sleep. In this mode, we reach the lowest end of our natural weight range. We are in perfect sync with the planet and our surroundings 3.

The arrival of autumn is bittersweet. A long, difficult, physically stagnant winter is ahead for most. Harvest time foods provide a tremendous number of calories (energy). These specific foods enable us to gain and store the fat that will take us through the winter. Were it not for the body’s ability to quickly stockpile and retain fat, we wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving the the cold, dark months ahead.

What foods mark the harvest? What foods do we have to thank for our efficient weight gain and retention? What foods, prior to refrigeration and mass transport, were responsible for giving us enough fat to live on to be able to survive several winter months of near-starvation?

Here to keep fat on you for the winter, because I care.
Grain: Here to keep you as fat as it can for as long as it can.

Grains (read: wheat). Rice. Cereals. High-sugar fruit. We owe them a debt of gratitude. And we don’t need them anymore.

The sweetness we experience when we eat starch and sugar is pleasurable. It inspires us to eat more. The euphoria we experience when we digest these foods helps to numb our feelings of fullness so we can eat past it.

As far as our bodies are concerned, our very survival depends on our ability to eat every morsel of sweetness that we can secure. Through most of human history, the more starch and sugar we were able to eat, the more fat we stored, and the more fat we stored, the more likely we were to see the spring.

The grain and starchy vegetables and fruit we managed to set aside helped us maintain the fat we’d spent autumn storing. Since glucose is always the body’s preferred fuel, it doesn’t take much of it to prevent the body from burning stored fat. Today, this metabolic safety net is a curse; back then, it was what kept us alive. We were fat-storing machines until the food ran out or the rats and weevils got into the wooden barrels in our root cellars and begin their own Thanksgiving.

Enter modernity.

My, modernity, you’re…convenient.

With you, it’s always harvest time. I’m no longer competing with rats for my wheat stores. Hell, I don’t even have to bake my own bread! Sugar is  something my body evolved to eat healthily for only 6 weeks out of every year when fruit was in season, but now that there’s a freighter full of internationally harvested fruit that arrives in Gloucester three times a week, I can eat it all day every day. How wonderful. How simple. How tasty. How absolutely not how our bodies evolved to eat.

As a society, we demand and fully expect that every day be Thanksgiving Day. Our bodies have become entirely divorced from the natural, healthy ebb and flow of the seasons, of nature. If you have addictive tendencies around certain foods it’s effortless to eat like every day is a feast day, and many of us do. Obesity is evidence that the survival mechanism manifested as the body’s drive to store fat has overridden the brain’s ability to mediate our physical and mental cravings in light new, hugely relevant information: The famine is never going to come.

Say that ten times fast.

When every day is Thanksgiving Day it’s up to us to enforce our own system of checks and balances. We try by limiting calories. We fail. We try by listening to the party line that says we should just eat less and exercise more. We fail. And we fail. And we fail. Don’t beat yourself up, Baby. You’re failing because you didn’t evolve to eat that way.

We were never meant to control our consumption of sweet, high-starch, high-sugar foods – we were meant to eat as much of them as we could in order to store the fat we needed to survive.

Because of our biological drive to eat eat eat sweet foods, portion control is difficult for everyone. I would argue that making an effort to control our portions is unnatural. What’s a modern person, interested in dropping excess weight, to do?

There is an easier, more natural solution: to choose, for a period of time, to eat like it’s springtime and early summer, the body’s natural time of fat loss. Meats. Fresh, seasonal vegetables. Dairy, gut-permitting. Fresh, whole, nutritive foods. The compulsion to eat more more more is quieted. The has the vitamin and mineral resources to repair old damage. Excess fat burns like a prairie fire. Balance is restored – naturally.

If you’re like me, 4 the coolest part of eating like it’s spring and summer is the time it gives you. Breaking the cycle of bingeing and craving gives us the time and the emotional and mental freedom to develop a new, healthier, happier, more pleasurable relationship to food.  With time and practice, some can even develop a natural ability to eat sweet, starchy foods in moderation, in a way that maintains balance. But like any new skill, we need freedom, time, and practice to get better.

*Addendum to the title: I detest the terms "Fat" and "Skinny" and would liked to have titled this post "Why Our Bodies Have a Tendency to Store Excess Fat & What We Can Do To Quickly and Safely Burn Through Those Stores of Excess Fat to Reach Our Healthiest Weight and Then Maintain That Weight As Nature Intended Us to Maintain That Weight Over the Course of Our Lifetimes." Motivated by the desire to reach as many people as possible, I chose to make the title something that would get found in a Google search. Working within a pre-existing paradigm, especially when that paradigm is riddled with dumb, is extremely frustrating. Forgive me.
Hit Coffey’s Pleasure Principles:
an online course to get you HAPPILY grounded in HEALTHIER habits.

Notes:

  1. For the sake of simplicity, my focus is on the agricultural period (circa 8000 BC-1825 AD). The same applies for the hunter-gatherer period, but with a ton more walking. And spears.
  2. It has come to my attention that, though the conclusion I arrive at in this essay is true, I get there in a convoluted, inaccurate, logical-fallacy-laden kind of a way. So here’s the disclaimer: I’m not science-y. I was an English major. The truth of the matter is that our guts evolved long before the agricultural period, back when we were still primates. We were losing and gaining then, in synchronicity with the ebb and flow of the season. I hope, though, that bringing the process to the prairie as I have in this essay will make it more meaningful and accessible, more relate-able and more memorable.
  3. Of course, through most of the agricultural period people had a life expectancy of about 30. If you wash your hands with soap, have a functioning toilet and are current with your vaccinations, your life expectancy pushes back substantially.
  4. A born over-eater, an addict, a compulsive pleasure-hunter.
SEX V

8 Ways Strength Training Is Better Than Sex

Strength training (weightlifting, calisthenics, and all manner of resistance training) gets a bad rep, especially with some women.

Listen up: No other kind of exercise is as beneficial as strength training. It tones lose skin. 1 It makes us stronger. 2 It’s the only thing we can do that actually increases resting metabolism. 3 Done at a quick pace, strength training is high-quality cardio. 4

Strength training is boss. In many respects, strength training is even better than sex. Don’t believe me? Here’s my list of 8 ways a lift is better than a lay: 5 Continue reading

Notes:

  1. Which is to say, it builds the muscle under the skin, giving said skin something to wrap around, which makes it look and feel tighter. That’s what ‘tone’ is. No, really.
  2. This one time I was training this chick and she was all like “Now, I don’t want to be *too* strong – I don’t want to get, like, muscly – I just want to get toned.” I’m still recovering from that one.
  3. “Nuh-uh! Green tea totally increases resting metabolism!”
    No, it doesn’t.
    “Well, eating 6 small meals a day increases metabolism. That’s a fact.”
    No. No, it doesn’t. 
    “Ginseng! Acai berries!”
    Nope. Nope.
    “Coconut oil!”
    Shut up. 
  4. ’Whatever. I prefer to walk on a treadmill for hours on end watching Extreme Home Makeover.’
    Go nuts.
  5. Delivered with my tongue firmly in my cheek. You like a firm tongue, don’t you?

Empathy Helps Where Sympathy and Tough Love Fall Short

Read at this where it was originally published in the Huffington Post

It was difficult for me to focus on much of anything in the midst of postpartum depression (PPD), but when my six-week-old started having trouble breathing, I snapped to attention.

I hurried her to the ER. It was an infection. “Serious,” they said. We were brought by ambulance to a larger hospital. She was put on oxygen and I was told to wait. My husband stayed home with our one-year-old. For three days I held my baby, rocked her gently, and struggled with her up to the top – and back down to the bottom – of every breath. Despite how painful it was for us both, I’ll always be grateful for the chance I had to be so present with her.

Then they sent us home.

I was back in my kitchen, barely functional after 72 sleepless hours. All the craziness I’d set aside came rushing back – fear of my own incompetence, suffocating guilt, terrified disbelief – thinking of the weeks, months, and years of monotonous chaos I was in for. Meanwhile, I couldn’t imagine getting through even one day. I picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

“Mom, please come. I need help.” My mother arrived the next morning.

Despite my mother’s presence, or maybe because of it, I ascended to new heights of mania and sank to new depths of depression. I now recognize these high highs and low lows as hallmarks of my PPD. One moment, frantic; the next, a zombie.

I scoffed at my mother’s well-meaning suggestions to take a shower, get out of the house, or call a friend. I’m a personal trainer and I normally love a good workout, but the suggestion that I go lift weights made me want to put a brick through a window.

Clear that she was getting nowhere, but resolved to help, my mother tried a different approach.

She tried to put my pain in perspective: “When you were an infant, I was completely alone.”

Guilt.

She tried to help me see the bright side: “Your babies are fundamentally healthy! You have a good home! A loving husband! A great life!”

Embarrassment.

Days later, when all her efforts to bring me back had failed, she pulled out the big gun:
“Kelly,” she said, all NYC-blue-collar-and-bootstraps, “you need to snap out of it. Now. These babies need you.” She said it to be helpful, to deliver the magic bullet that would put me back on my feet. She was addressing her level-headed, rational, hard-working daughter, the one who had always responded well to tough love. But that person wasn’t home. “Enough already,” she said, “Quit the shit.”

Devastation.

It’s hard to watch people we love suffer, especially our children. Often, and understandably, our instinct is to try to do or say something to make the pain stop. Unfortunately, PPD (and clinical depression, with which I also have direct experience) is an inside job, and no kind suggestion, magic bullet, or scare tactic was (or is) likely to fix it.

Where sympathy and tough love fell short, I believe empathy would have hit the mark: for my mother – or anyone, for that matter – to take the time to become conscious of what I was going through, and to be with me in that experience without trying to gloss over or fix or solve. For someone to say “I feel your pain,” instead of “I’m sorry you’re going through this. At least…” or “Why don’t you…?”

Empathy is rare, maybe because it goes against so many of our habits; our tendency to judge (“What you’re going through isn’t that bad”) and our desire to fix what’s broken (“You’d feel better if you got some sleep”) both have to be abandoned. Having empathy means lingering in feelings we’d just as soon forget.

Guidelines that encourage empathetic connection – nonjudgement, listening in respectful silence, withholding advice, and reacting only when the speaker is voicing your own truth – are read at the beginning of every MotherWoman perinatal support meeting. These guidelines make the meetings a safe place for mothers to speak the truth of their experience, a place where their truth can be respectfully held by other women who can relate. Holding and honoring one another’s pain helps us all to heal.

kcoWhen I think back on my last postpartum period, it’s without resentment. My mother was there when I needed her most. Motivated by love, she did what she thought was best. If I could go back in time, instead of dismissing her well-meaning suggestions, I would ask her to wrap me in her arms, to rock me gently, and to be with me in my pain. I imagine she would have been thrilled for the chance to bring me that level of comfort and to experience such a deep connection with her child. In her arms, I would have felt warm, safe, understood, and, most importantly, not alone. I would have heard her say, with a voice that sounds exactly like mine, “I’m here. I’m in this with you, my baby. Thank you for letting me hold you.”