Kelly Coffey
I used to weigh more than 300 pounds. I smoked like a house on fire, I drank like a blues guitarist, I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I never, ever exercised.
In 2003 I lost more than half my body weight. In 2007 I started a career as a personal trainer. Today I’m fit enough to run (though I almost always choose not to), and thin enough to comfortably wiggle my butt into size 6 jeans (though I usually wear super-stretchy workout clothes).
You might think that when I reflect on my 300-pound self that it would be with disdain or pity. Hell no. The longer I’m thin, though, the more I miss the gifts of living in a body so big that people often turned away. It may sound strange to some, but here are five things I miss about my old, obese self:
1. Power
Being fat gave me natural physical strength. As a thin person, I have to go out of my way to be strong. Despite daily strength training I’m nowhere near as powerful as I used to be. Once upon a time I could confidently lift a couch into and out of a moving truck (a U-Haul, not a truck in motion — being fat never did give me super powers). Today, I labor under the weight of heavy things. I miss the natural, organic strength that I used to take for granted, the sheer power born of moving under the weight of my own fat day after day.
2. Comfort
At bedtime I lie down in a sea of pillows. My husband laughs at me, but I need all those pillows because I spent most of my life in a large, soft body. When I’m lying on my side, the feeling of knee bone on knee bone is enough to keep me up all night; I hug a pillow to compensate for the generous expanse of tummy my arm used to rest on. I haven’t slept on my stomach in over a decade because I lost the nice, round belly that softened the space between my spine and the bed. Also, I could write a whole post about how awful it feels to sit on a hard surface with a bony butt. Tail bones and hard seats: never the two should meet.
3. Perspective
When I was fat I understood that most weight changes are fleeting and insignificant. At 300 pounds, I wore clothes forgiving enough to accommodate ten pounds lost or gained, so I didn’t think much of it. Sadly, going from a size 6 to an 8 makes me nuts in a way that going from a size 26 to a 28 just never did. I miss the freedom I once had from noticing and obsessing over Every. Single. Pound.
As an obese woman I experienced the world every day in a body that was judged, undervalued, demonized, mocked, feared, despised, and avoided. Those awful experiences gave me more empathy, more character, more personality, and a broader, richer and more inclusive perspective than lifelong thinness ever could have (back off, deep and interesting lifelong-skinny women — I’m speaking for myself here). I also have a much more meaningful appreciation for my health and the body I have today, and I sure as hell will never take it for granted. Not to mention the deep respect I automatically have for every person I meet who doesn’t fit the (white, straight, middle-class, able-bodied) mold.
4. Friendships
Starting and maintaining friendships was easier when I was fat. Women rarely saw me as a rival and were less self-conscious than they are around me today. My larger body made it easier for my peers to let their guard down and be themselves. Because I felt less-than when I was fat, I was way more forgiving and accommodating, and I often edited myself for maximum social appeal.
Friendships today are more likely to feel peppered with insecurities. Confident and candid, strong and outspoken, today I present the real me, and, at times, ruffle the feathers of the sort of people I spent my early life catering to. The friendships that remain require real, sometimes uncomfortable heart-to-heart discussions, and true open-mindedness; they can be exhausting. When I’ve had a long, hard day, I miss the easy, comparatively effortless friendships of yesteryear.
5. Presence
Finally, there’s the weird disconnect between the size of me in my mind and the size of me — of my physical body — in the world. The “me” in my brain is big. My voice is big. My feelings are big. My attitude is big. Twelve years ago, all that bigness was reflected in my body — fat, round, impossible to miss. Now, my personality and my body feel mismatched, like my mind is walking around in shoes several sizes too small. I miss feeling like a cohesive whole. I miss inhabiting the grander space I once did.
The longer I’m thin, the more in love I fall with the fat body I once had, and with the woman I was before I lost my weight. I’m the luckiest person I know, in large part because my personality and perspective were developed in the context of being a fat woman.
Today, I get to work with hundreds of women of all sizes and all abilities. I love them — each and every one of them, inside and out — and I love helping them, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, fall in love with their own perfectly imperfect bodies.
BAM.
*Piece originally ran on mindbodygreen
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[…] figyeltem fel rá, amikor olastam azt a bejegyzést a blogján, amelyben felsorolja, hogy mi hiányzik neki a 150 kilós énjéből. Mindezt egy átlagos alkatú nő fotójával. Kelly “Strong” Coffey-ként mutatkozik […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
[…] obese.” In 2014, I got hundreds of emails and comments in response to a piece I wrote called 5 Things I Miss About Weighing Over 300 Pounds. (Pictured, the author, before and during Before & During—which, for Kelly, feels way more […]
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Thanks for sharing this.
Sometime ago I heard that being fat takes a great deal of strength. Physical and Emotional. I get that. When your body is being judged, undervalued, demonized, mocked, feared, despised, and avoided you grow strong emotionally.
That only those that posses that strength could actually be fat.
I love what you said about Presence. There is a greater part of me that feels the need to speak and share with the world. And I have always believed this big body holds me back from doing so. Who would believe me, after-all, I am fat. I never thought of my bigness being reflected in my body too. But that makes sense. The more I deny myself to speak and be heard, the more reason to keep the fat.
Interesting and life changing.
Thanks for sharing this. Only a fat person would get this. I would much rather train with someone who has been there. How can someone who has never been morbidly obese know what it is like and how to help you?
It’s not about wanting what they have. It’s about finding what you have.
My cousin,Peg Keller shared your article on facebook .She’shad gastricbypass,which changed her life radically,but not as much as giving birth to two sons with autism.She’s so open with her daily trials and tribulations,that she inspires me to be more forthcoming.You are,too, like a breath of fresh air.I love your positivity,and began my day with your exercise of writing down 5 things that I loved about me.I ave struggled with weight loss/gain since my teenage years.Although,I was very active and strong,I wore my fat suit like a barrier from closeness.I’d declare,”if someone wants to take the time,not to judge me from my exterior,they’ll find a good woman lives underneath”!But really I was full of selfloathing,with addictive behaviors.Now as I approach my sixth decade,and have again 10 pounds to go before I reach my personal goal,I have begun to accept myself,fat or thin.I always have in the back of my mind,my late sister-in-law’s saying,”I wish that I had back all those years that all I worried about ,was my weight”.People do treat me differently ,complimenting my weight loss,but I know that they’re also thinking”will she keep it off this time”.Yes,I will because I’m more than my addictions,I’ve been learning to accept myself and others…hard lesson,daily learning.
As a formerly morbidly obsese, turned fit athletic half marathon runner, turned morbidly obese person… I GET THIS. Particularly about the friendships…. I find my friendships are struggling as of late. Even though I have been friends with the same amazing women for a lifetime, they have seen me through it all and due to recent health and life hurdles I have gained a massive 80 lbs. My big, boisterous, loud personally that came out when I was fit and the most comfortable being “me” was acceptable and more palatable when I was physically small… But today, I am big and boisterous in personality and body and I have begun to get the impression that this is difficult for people to take. Interesting food for thought. Thank you. I actually signed up to twitter (something I have been putting off forever) JUST so I can follow you.
I agree with all of these, but for me there would be a number 6: Safety.
Safety certainly ties in with Power, but to me they are different. When I was obese I both had more strength and had a greater ability to sink into the background when I wanted to. I didn’t get catcalled. Guys didn’t try to grab me or corner me at bars.
I am by no means saying that obese women aren’t sexually assaulted or harassed, but without comfy fat to hide behind, I feel like I’m automatically putting myself out there more. I walk around and guys yell things about my legs or my size-six ass, and it terrifies me. Guys ask me for my number and get scary/threatening when I say no, and I just panic. Neither of these things happened anywhere near as frequently when I was a size 20.
So basically I miss being able to go to a bar or walk outside without feeling constantly sexually threatened.
I love this post. Thanks for sharing.
Because of all the stigma around obesity, people don’t tend to look at the up-side of being fat, as if there is nothing good about it at all. But there are good things. Added padding, not getting cold easily, and yeah, strength, definitely.
THAAAAANK you!!!! I am Done To Death with “Things I learned from losing weight” posts that make everyone else out to be shallow and horrible. MAYBE, Other Bloggers, it was all a matter of perception >.<
I was a slender chick in HS, joined the Army, ran the fatboy program(remedial fitness) for my company, and had a body so hot you had to pay me to put on more than enough to cover my bits&pieces. When I got out I gained about 50 pounds. I was blueberry round. But I was SO SOFT!!! I couldn't get over how Soft I was! After years of being hard muscle, I was amazed by the new me and I couldn't keep my hands off myself X) I was so tickled with me that everybody else was, too. And the men… !!!! I couldn't keep them away! But I believe with all my heart that people's feelings about me were a reflection of my own.
I've lost most of that weight since plateauing and that's fine. I'm Very sure it's healthier. But I can't seem to recapture that magic. Meh! Such is life :~/ But I see red every time I hear someone blame society for the way they feel about themselves. I'm not buying it. Each of us can choose to love the person we are and aspire to be better, physically or emotionally, for our own selves rather than real or imagined pressure.
*CHEERS* here's to YOU!!!!♥
This article is tremendous, thank you for being so bold and brave to speak to this higher truth that so many of us are living. The shocking reality that some of us could actually love certain aspects of our larger bodies is such a cultural taboo. I imagine that some people would even be angered that we could DARE feel such a thing!!
As an overweight woman who successfully lost a lot, then regained it all (and is now endeavouring to lose it again), I have been through every emotion connected with weight. A lifetime of being stubborn and unwilling to accept that I should feel shame for my larger, nonconformist body tempered my strong, rebellious spirit and fueled the fierce feminist values that i hold so dear today. Losing the large amount of weight the first time felt initially freeing from all the peripheral negativity I had carried, however that quickly wore off and suddenly I became just so mad anytime someone would congratulate me on my weight loss, or otherwise compliment my looks. I interpreted and felt that as a wash of backhanded, retrograded disapproval for my former obese self. But I can’t blame them – culturally that’s what we’re also trained to do: applaud someone when they transform their image into something more socially accepted (comments of improved health aside).
And so my internal defense mechanism and unresolved anger towards this stigma was to “show them” and prove to them that woman do not deserve to be judged by their physicality. And that anger and stubbornness eventually translated to weight regain.
It had little to do with not accepting myself (I think) – but rather it was more that I could not accept the change in the treatment I received daily from people I knew, and even more so strangers. How dare THEY!
Because in fact, I love my fat. To me, it has always been tied in very closely to sensuality… the pleasure and luxuriousness of a softer body. I also find great strength and power (physical and emotional) in being larger, and enjoy the “presence” and the space that I hold. Because I tend to resonate with many other alternative values in other aspects of my life, I also enjoy standing out as being different. When I lost weight the first time, I hadn’t prepared myself for how all of those layers of my personality that identified through my fat would be exposed.
I have learned so much, and probably needed to experience the loss and regain, and now the journey of losing again to truly integrate all of these facets of Self.
Thank you once again, Kelly, for being such a strong voice and for working to uncover some of the deeper psychology surrounding weight. Much love to you, and all those out there who find themselves in a similar space. x x x
Michelle, I appreciate you taking the time to write this all to me. It’s amazing what happens and how we become a fully realized person when we allow ourselves to experience and develop feelings about all these different physical realities, moving beyond what has been prescribed that we feel, or want, or hold dear…
I’m so happy there are other people, especially women, out there who are developing the bravery it takes to experience these things for themselves and come to their own conclusions, instead of just swallowing the party line.
Good health to you, Doll!
Coffey
Thank you so much for the reply Coffey! I found you on MindBodyGreen and was so inspired – I hadn’t intended my post to be so long or so personal, but I just felt moved by your writing on such a profound level. You have given me motivation to keep delving deeper and to continue my journey to health and wholeness. The issues you bring up around acceptance, identity, shame, and addiction are so rarely touched upon… thank you for “going there” so candidly. I feel so lucky to have stumbled across you today. Thank you for doing what you do!
After hitting the normal BMI range for the first time in my life, I’ve felt like you: I missed some of the “benefits” of being overweight. I even hit a stage where I wanted to just quit and get back to obese-city.
But I didn’t work that hard to go back to being fat again, with all of the health issues now gone. To live trough this period, I promised myself that I will find a way to maintain my new found fit lifestyle.
I started occupying my mind with the health benefits of being fit. I took long walks, run without needing to catch my breath when I was late, enjoyed carrying heavy grocery bags without wreaking myself, created a new wardrobe. It worked so good that I’ve almost completely forgot of what was it like to live my life as an obese person (that’s when I stumbled upon your article that reminded me).
So my advice is that you do the same: start concentrating on the advantages of being fit.
There is no need to hang on to the past, because it just blocks new wonderful things getting into your life.
Thanks for writing this. I appreciate it. And I appreciate your perspective on having turned your lifesryle, and therefore, your weight, around. I share much of the same feelings you do.
This piece was meant to be a single, stand-alone love letter to a body I once had. I’m not longing for that body, so much as taking a moment to appreciate what was beautiful about it. I very much appreciate the strength and the level of fitness I enjoy today, and the health and other benefits I get to enjoy living the way I live today.
I recognize it’s odd to have done what I did – write a piece about the beauty of being fat without the ever-anticipated “But things are better now that I’m thin!” I very specifically left that part out, because there’s so many of those pieces already.
I’m so glad to have stumbled onto you via BariatricPal.com today! I signed up for your webinar and am enjoying your blogs right now….and this article is so different and resonates with me so much, I just had to comment and tell you how much I enjoyed it. Big heart!
I had the Gastric Sleeve done last September (2014), and have lost a ton of weight so far. I am right smack-dab in the middle of my weight loss journey here, and am experiencing a lot of…STUFF. Having men notice me again (thrilling but scary!) trouble with close relationships, a lot of self-consciousness because of being noticed by people, etcetera. I am Bipolar Type II, so a lot of this stuff I feel even more than the average person. I am by no means, however, special or unique; I’m just another bozo on the bus.
I was–strange that it is in the past tense now–morbidly obese for the last 25 years of my life. And yes, there are a lot of things I do miss about my former body state! Mostly that I was able to hide in it and become invisible whenever I wanted to. I felt free in a lot of ways, too–freer than I do now, but I also realize that’s my own doing. I’m looking forward to your webinar on self-sabotage because that’s what I’ve always done–in all areas of my life, too, not just weight. “The Beast” is alive and well–still.
Being in the process of losing the weight, I find it interesting to observe the changes–or unburying–in me, and in the people around me as I go. I am becoming louder. More voicing is going on. I am experiencing some happiness, but a lot of FEELINGS in general. I am learning to deal with these feelings a day at a time today. I am also a 21-year member of AA and am practicing those principles regarding my food addiction. And, it’s a bitch sometimes! There are good days and bad. But stuffing my feelings down for most of my life with substances (food, alcohol, drugs, for example) is going to be a process to change and overcome.
Just a little about my own journey. I really love your positivity and I really love that you wrote this with love! No hate or shame required. I really like that, Kelly—so thank you! xoxo
Hey there, Tori!
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. If you’re applying some step-work to food, and you’re embracing that it all traces back to the same source, you’re WAY ahead of almost everyone else out vis-a-vis developing better, healthier, more good-feeling defaults. I’m looking forward to seeing your name pop up in the future. Take good care of you!
…and boobs. I miss having boobs.
I think the part that hits me the hardest is the Friendship part. As an overweight woman, I have also been seen as the “kind, nice, soft spoken” one. It’s not that I’m not those things, but when you are larger, you try to be smaller, so you don’t make waves in the relationships you have because you fear losing them. As I have gotten older, though, I have started to speak my mind regardless of my size. To such a degree that when my sister-in-law told my oldest sister that what she talks to her she hears me, my sister said “Well, I’ve come into my own then…I speak my mind, I know where I’m going and I don’t take crap from anyone”. I’m more selective now with who I spend time with because I want to be sure they will be there when I have completed the journey to becoming the me I want to be.
Hi Kelly,
I’m glad I read this article even though only a few points resonate for me. Certainly being morbidly obese for 35 of my 50 years made me empathetic and compassionate to the plight of others who are judged, mocked, devalued and laughed at in the world. That is a character trait that became part of my DNA as a result of being obese for as long as I was and remains with me at half my previous weight.
That said, there’s absolutely nothing I miss about my 333 pound body and perhaps that is because I was obese longer and until a later age than you. In my 20s, 30s and early 40s my body wasn’t in pain and breaking down due to the obesity. It seemed like I was getting away with letting my vises run free with no truly unpleasant physical consequences. Until my early 50s, when my body could take no more, the effort required to care for my body seemed unnecessary to invest in because the ramifications of being morbidly obese hadn’t started to crush my pleasure in living yet.
But at 50 I was addicted to opiates because of bulging discs and knee pain related to 4 surgeries that were attributable to carrying an extra 150 pounds for 35 years. I was out of breath and sweating all the time, standing was painful on my knees and hips, sitting was painful on my bulging discs, laying on my back was difficult because the belly fat pressed my lungs and made breathing difficult, the sleep apnea machine triggered claustrophobia nightly but was needed to protect my brain from suffocation. Laying on my side in the fetal position was a comfortable position for breathing and gave the bulging discs a break but would trigger the knee pain. Additional knee pain was caused by the restless leg syndrome that is often present with high enough doses of opiates around the clock. Then the opiates slowed my respiration, my lungs filled with fluid and I was dying. So, it is hard for me to look back at that 51 year old painful, suffering, dying body with anything but delight to not be in that state any longer.
Regarding friendships, my life is much fuller now. During those years I isolated myself from people because I was always in pain, exhausted, undernourished, ashamed and always in survival mode, seldom enjoying life. Now I have more friends than ever and they are active, like-minded people I climb mountains with, practice yoga with, kayak with, hike with and rescue dogs with.
I do not miss the stares that my 6’3″ 330 pound female body generated, the fat hiding any sign of femininity. I do not miss being called sir in check-out lines as other customers (especially children and the elderly) wondered not always silently “what was I?” I do not miss the nasty comments of complete strangers on the streets mocking me and questioning my gender based on my height and size, or providing mock earthquake like tremor sound-effects as my shoes touched pavement while walking in public places. . Really, there’s NOTHING about being 333 pounds I miss.
Again, perhaps that is because I was 20 years older than you with 3 decades of morbid obesity behind me and my body was breaking down and the end of my life was within sight. Perhaps it is also because I am a woman of height and without a feminine figure people assumed I was a man transitioning gender to female and they made cruel comments about that.
But really there’s nothing I miss about that body. I love and protect and hold safe the heart of the fat girl that lives inside of me because she still lives and God knows she needs some tenderness and care. I provide that and I have a support network that does too. But I do not miss anything about living the life she lived for 35 years.
I’m enjoying the first few days of your Pleasure Principles. Your perspective is refreshing, informative and a lot of fun! It is part of my ongoing effort to never regain again as I did once in my 20s, once in my 30s and once in my 40s. I will not let this chance in my 50s slip-away because I don’t believe I’d survive to try again in my 60s if I let the 170 pound weight loss slip away. 🙂
I’m looking forward to working with you and your community.
If anyone could help me I believe you could. I loved your webinar. But honestly, I just cannot afford the monthly fees. I am a single mom, grad student, living on a really tight budget. And I know you get what you pay for. Even if I could afford it… man it would be hard finding the time to do the exercise. But worth it I know.. oh so worth it. ~ Willow in Vermont
Perspective really hit me hardest. Most of my late teens and into my mid twenties my parents told me how they were happy I could learn to view the world from an encumbered point of view. They felt it kept me kind, empathetic, and a fighters because I had to be my own advocate. No person ever stood up for me and I had to prove what a fat girl could do. I have some privilege, white middle class, but I have been discriminated in a way that is “acceptable” all my life. The looks saying ‘we don’t have clothes THAT big’ ‘ you should go somewhere else’. Sure some people are very nice but I wouldn’t be such an advocate in certain areas if I hadn’t felt the social stigma. My idea of beauty is so broad and the people Ive met because I know we rarely are our first several impressions. I am thankful for my fat/obese body because it showed me a view point I might never have had.
Amen. Thanks for taking the time you took to write that. Take good care of you. KC
Perfect timing for me to read this article, Coffey. I’m 56, 5’2″, and have struggled with an extra 10-20 lbs since I was about 12 years old. Never obese, but rarely pleased with my body. Flash forward to today: 3 years a breast cancer survivor with an impressionable 14-year-old daughter. I am 20 lbs over my healthy weight and was down to 2 pair of pants that I could just squeeze into. Bought some size 12 pants yesterday and felt defeated, briefly. Put them on today and thought, hmm. Those look a helluva lot better, because they’re not pushing my muffin top way up and out. I know I’m not a bad person. But I do have those negative voices. My husband once asked, “Why do you beat yourself up?” and I snapped, “Because someone has to.” sheesh.
So glad I discovered your site. thanks!
Thank you so much for this! Though I still have plenty of weight to loose I can relate to each and every point you had to make. I believe number 1. Is for me the one I relate to most. My husband calls that strength stupid STRONG! Not normal strength basically!! I can already tell there’s a change coming as I continue on this journey
Thank you for being you. I have just started getting into the world of Strong Coffey and it is nice to see and hear from someone who has been there. I am currently overweight/ over a goal where I want to be. I’m working on changing that, slowly but surely. I have said that so many times before but I know how bad I want it this time.
I think everything you’ve mentioned has hit a spot in me.. for different reasons considering I’m still overweight. I use to be smaller (in high school) because I played sports. My eating habits haven’t changed much but are changing now. In my mind I still think I am that smaller person until I see photos and can’t believe what I look like. I wear hoodies and jeans and I’m the quiet person in the room. I do not know if that will ever change but perhaps at least the clothes 🙂
I love your comment “love with your own perfectly imperfect body” there is so much truth to this or how can you ever be happy with you.
The part I most identify with is the sense of comfort. Not so much physical comfort, because I’m in physical pain due to my lack of self-care. The comfort is a feeling of security from being surrounded in a protective layer. Whenever I’ve managed to lose a little weight, I have felt incomplete–like I’m missing an appendage, if belly fat can be considered an appendage. Being fat is safe. No one expects anything of me. There is no pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain size or be in shape (other than round). I have a built-in comfort zone because “No man would sexually assault me. I’m fat,” or “No need to risk trying sometime challenging. Nobody will take me seriously. I’m fat.” (Yes, I do realize that neither of those statements are actually true. They’re just what I tell myself.) So even though I’m physically more and more uncomfortable, I am mentally/emotionally more and more protected from a scary world.
Hey there, Peggy! You are not alone in feeling this way. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment 🙂
I liked the quote about how awkward it is to have bone touching bone. I completely know what you mean. At one point after my divorce I lost about 40 pounds (I’ve gained some of that back). I would lay on my side and I could feel my hip bones and wonder “what are those?!” Haha. I am enjoying your posts and honesty. I am mostly just exhausted from trying endless gimmicks so this is refreshing to say the least. Keep it up! B
Thank you, Brigid. that’s my plan 🙂
Thanks for your post! The section I most strongly identified with was the empathy I’ve gained in being overweight. I’ve been thin (though at the time I thought I was not) and I’ve been/am obese. I have now experienced invisibility and dismissal by others due to my size that I never did prior to this. It has helped me notice where I may have been dismissive or unobservant and overlooked others’ abilities and contributions due to their differences. I have enjoyed the deeper connections to others I’ve made due to this experience. I appreciate your ability to dig under the shame and point out the wins in experience/other areas when in a larger body. I’m looking forward to seeing how else I’m able to view things differently as I’m working the principles. Thanks!
I think my experience has been opposite. I was thin (although I never thought I was) until around 30 and then have spent the last 30 years gaining, losing, gaining more, losing a little, gaining even more than I had gained the last time. My article, at this point in my life, would have to be about the things I miss about my thin body. The thing I guess I can most relate to in your article is the presence. In some ways I do have a “big” presence. It amuses me to see some people’s reaction because they apparently have this expectation that I’m big so, therefore, I’m going to be quiet and shy, lazy, no self-confidence and not exert much effort in anything. When it turns out that I’m the opposite of each of those “qualities” you can almost see the confusion in their face and hear it in what they say. I’m not the stereotype that they have planted in their brain and it is somehow “shocking” to them.
I look forward to the day that I can figure out what I do miss about my overweight body! I look forward to this journey with you and learning to quiet “the beast”.
I think Friendship is interesting for me right now because I feel some friends tend to be sAbotaging of my healthy eating efforts.
In my head I also don’t think I’m as heavy as I know I am when I get on a scale. Denial is a strong component.
Your flat
Your honesty is very refreshing, thank you for that !
“When I’m lying on my side, the feeling of knee bone on knee bone is enough to keep me up all night”
lol, this is so, SO true 😀
I gained a lot of weight when problems with my thyroid gland started. 2 years ago I had 190 pounds and I told myself: enough is enough! To this day I lost 50 pounds and I’m in the best shape of my life . Generally, I feel much better than before but this problem with bones everywhere started occuring recently. I sometimes feel my hipbones must hurt my boyfriend. And I always sleep on my side and knee on knee is the worst! When I first noticed it, I was like, hey, why nobody told me before? So I’m glad you mentioned it, I should have read it 2 years ago when you posted it, haha
You have come into my space at the right time in my life (although I wish I’d known about you sooner – but maybe I wasn’t ready) I’ve spent the last year practicing mindfulness and have learned much about mastering my emotions and am learning to tame the monkey mind, but the piece I still struggle with is the weight. Your experience with your weight and the fact that Shame is at the root resonates with me. I don’t remember a time in conscious memory where I have felt worthy or that I was enough and always felt there must be something wrong with me. I never had a problem with my weight until after I had my second child and that was 40 years ago – since then its been a cycle of gain – loss – gain – loss (always gaining more) and ultimately had lap band surgery several years ago and of course that didn’t work because it didn’t address all the self sabotaging behaviors that were keeping me on the roller coaster ride to begin with. I don’t think any of your points about what you miss necessarily resonate with me. What I do I know is that I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin and I know you are “spot on” with the pleasure principals. I’m looking forward to the next phase of my journey and taming the “beast”.
You’re awesome and can’t wait to start the journey!
Thank you for this! I am scared to be anything but fat. I love me and know me right here. I am active and vibrant and in love with my life. Everyone tells me how I need to lose weight. I would feel better with less to carry around but am scared of who she would be. Would I know her? Would I love her? I am sitting in a Del Taco with tears rolling down my cheeks. You are the first to put my feelings into words and understand. Thank you for being willing to share and be real.