How To Turn Criticism, Real or Imagined, Into Self-Care

Take it from me: You can’t please everyone, no matter what you do. But you CAN take great care of yourself regardless.

Hi Coffey –

I don’t need to lose weight, but I do things that are not in my best interest — smoke, eat good food and then eat a sleeve of Oreos…, drink, don’t follow through with personal commitments. I would like to feel more in charge. Does Pleasure Principles cover this? Also, has the course changed? It looks more distant, less personal.

I admire your spirit and achievements. Your writing has been so personal and inspiring. I was waiting for registration to open. Recently you seem to have changed your web presence. Your page looks like so many other advertising / quick-buy-now sites. What gives?

Anyway, thanks.

Christina

Hey there, Christina –

To answer your first question:

Pleasure Principles can empower you to do whatever you struggle to do in order to feel better in your skin and quieter in your head. It’s not a weight loss course unless losing weight would help you feel better.

Now, to your other question:

Have you ever felt self-conscious? And then suddenly thousands of people are scrutinizing you? And though your instinct is to run and hide and numb out, you breathe through it and take it one step at a time because you know that what you have to say is important and that people deserve to hear it?

That’s what’s happened to me over the course of the past year. When my blog started picking up steam and then exploded, I got hate mail for the first time in my life. Mostly from men. Mostly telling me my perspective was stupid and that I was a bitch and why didn’t I just shut up?

That was hard.

The mail I got from some women was a little more… polite.

They told me I curse too much, ¹ that as a thin woman I was now too stereo-typically pretty to have a valid opinion, ² and that my website looked cheap and unprofessional.

OK – I could hear that last one.

I went to a wonderfully laid-back couple, Lennie and Elizabeth, who run a web design business out of a small office in my town. ³ They re-designed my site.

My friend Amy, an interior designer and color expert, picked the colors for my site.

And the pictures of me on the site were taken here and there by friends of mine who happen to be photographers.

It’s beautiful, it’s professional ⁴ and I’m grateful to my community for helping me put it together.

And the course? Despite having two preschoolers and a full-time personal training business, I’ve spent hundreds of hours editing and fine-tuning it to make it the most effective, honest, and complete online course on sustainable behavior change that someone who’s lived the transformation is capable of producing.

And as soon as I got your email, I began to question all of it.

I felt shame.
I felt like I’d been found out.
I felt like I’d made a huge mistake.
I felt like I’m never going to be any good and every decision I make is stupid and why the hell do I even bother trying?
I felt like a fraud, like a joke, like an impostor.

And that’s where I was in my head while I made my kids breakfast (oatmeal and eggs), washed my face (no time for a shower), and turned on the studio for my first personal training client (6:30 AM – Chris).

Now it’s almost 11 AM. I’ve seen some clients. I’ve had my coffee. But most importantly, and this is the Pleasure Principles in action, I’ve used the feelings your note inspired in me to fuel my taking care of myself.

My instinct was to go back to bed and slide into a depression. Instead, I hung with my kids and my clients.

My instinct was to go to McDonald’s and binge in my car in the drugstore parking lot. Instead, I put on my favorite training outfit and put Taylor Freaking Swift on the radio.

My instinct was to shut down my website, pull the course, and berate myself for the next ten years about “Who did I think I was?!” Instead, I decided to stand at the same computer where I’ve done all the writing for my blog and all the live Q&As for my course and respond to your email.

The folks who’re getting the most out of working with me default to the same kinds of self-destructive behaviors. And, like me, they’re making stronger choices one prompt at a time.

The website has gotten a polish, for sure. My content is strong — it’s giving women like me their power back — and I want the site to reflect that.

Me, playing the part of a knowledgeable professional ('cause that's what I am).

Me, playing the part of a knowledgeable professional (’cause, you know, that’s what I am).

But a website is just a facade, like almost everything that you see with your eyes. Please don’t forget that the same person with the same soul is still here, standing at her computer, wanting approval and validation.

Thanks to the Principles, I’m gonna take strong care of myself whether or not I get it.

You can take better care of yourself, too, regardless of what’s going on around or inside of you, and I’d love the chance to show you how.

I hope to see your name on my roster.

All good things,

Coffey

PS: I’m now gonna publish this letter as a blog post because I neglected my blog for months while I worked my ass off on the course. Thanks for inspiring me to stand at my computer and write this morning. You’re awesome.

PPS: The voice of self-sabotage will always find fault with the resources that might benefit you most. Remember — just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true. 🙂

Hello!

Notes:

Well, shit. ↩
Still figuring out how to feel about that one. ↩
We’ve become friends, and I wish I had more time to just hang out with them. ↩
Like me! HA! ↩

Showing 7 comments

Laura July 23, 2015
Reply

Welcome back! My god you have been missed! !!
Xxx xxxx
Tracy July 23, 2015
Reply

Yes you have been missed! So glad to see you’re back. Sorry you’ve been dealing with so many jerks. I hope the good folks have outnumbered the jealous/bitchy ones. Website looks fabulous!!
- Kelly Coffey July 23, 2015
  Reply
  
  Tracy, it’s the mansplainers that have been the worst, by far. But I’m proceeding 🙂
Daphne @ The Dutch Lady Designs July 24, 2015
Reply

I so needed to hear this. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one that starts questioning everything I do after a critical remark from someone. Thanks for sharing Coffey!
Amy July 27, 2015
Reply

I think people forget that there are real people behind blogs. Apparently, they were never taught the old adage “if you can’t say nothin’ nice…..shut the hell up!”
I just want to say you do inspire! I found your blog about a month ago and I love it. You are down to earth and real. You aren’t trying to pretend to be perfect and show others how to succeed in the mist of an imperfect life. Thank you for all the effort, dedication, and realism you share with us!
P.S. Please remember that haters are going to find fault no matter what you do – they take pleasure in tearing others down. Don’t ever second guess yourself because of them. They aren’t worth it.
- Kelly Coffey July 27, 2015
  Reply
  
  Thanks, Amy! Love your email address, BTW. What do you build (besides my ego?)
  - Amy July 27, 2015
    Reply
    
    I think people forget that there are real people behind blogs. Apparently, they were never taught the old adage “if you can’t say nothin’ nice…..shut the hell up!”
    I just want to say you do inspire! I found your blog about a month ago and I love it. You are down to earth and real. You aren’t trying to pretend to be perfect and show others how to succeed in the mist of an imperfect life. Thank you for all the effort, dedication, and realism you share with us!
    P.S. Please remember that haters are going to find fault no matter what you do – they take pleasure in tearing others down. Don’t ever second guess yourself because of them. They aren’t worth it.

How To Turn Criticism, Real or Imagined, Into Self-Care

Take it from me: You can’t please everyone, no matter what you do. But you CAN take great care of yourself regardless.

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