Want to have more sex or get more exercise? Try easing up on the self-criticism.
As anyone who’s ever driven with two feet can attest, hitting the gas without first letting up on the brakes can have some seriously disappointing consequences.
It doesn’t get you where you want to go, that’s for sure.
In her book Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., 1 explores 2 how various internal and external factors act as brakes (or, better yet, gas pedals) on the female libido. For many of us, unless and until we become mindful of what’s pushing on our sexual brakes, no amount of gas – no red wine, no oysters, and no Bjork CDs – is gonna get, or keep, us begging for more.
Similar forces impact exercise and activity. We want to get active, so we tap the gas (we join a gym, we buy DVDs, we hire a trainer), but unless we’re also letting up on the brakes (like staying up all night and eating crap) we’re unlikely to develop an exercise habit, or to make much progress.
Like the car with both pedals pushed to the floor, we get worked up and stressed out but don’t actually get anywhere.
Lot’s of different factors can press on the brakes, like financial stress, fatigue, and depression. Perhaps more common – and more universally paralyzing, whether the goal is orgasm or muscle failure – is self-criticism.
In bed we think we’re too loud or too flabby, or that we smell bad, or that our asses are too big…
In the gym we think we’re too slow or too weak, or that we smell bad, or that our asses are too big…
So we stop going there, in part because we hate the feelings that voice inspires.
We can buy flavored body oil and gym memberships until we’re blue in the face, but unless we’re practicing being mindful of the critical beast, and working to take it out of the driver’s seat, it may continue to feel like we’re trying to move – horizontally or otherwise – with the emergency brake on.
We have what it takes to disempower the beast, and in doing so, to ease up on the brakes and move forward. Next time the beast threatens to slow us down, let’s practice one or more of these five beast-neutralizing responses:
1. Appreciate what’s true.
Whether we’re splayed out on a bed or a weight bench, the truth is our bodies are THERE. The truth is always just exactly what’s happening in this moment, and in this moment, we’re alive and lucky to be having this tangible, physical experience. The criticism and mental chatter is just self-sabotaging lies – it’s not the truth no matter how loud it is, or how convincing it sounds.
Tweet This2. Bring it back to sensation.
Unlike the beast, the body does not criticize. Be in the sensory experience of the moment – in the pressure, in the texture, in the site and the sound and the scent. Approach the experience with curiosity – how will this feel? how will it feel differently if I do this? – and then pay attention to what the body reveals.
3. Breathe on purpose.
If the present moment or the sensory experience elude us, we can focus on the breath. It sounds hokey, but it’s hard to do two things at once (like texting and driving, or fastening a garter whilst throwing ocular darts at our cellulite). Breathing on purpose won’t make us zen masters, but it does make it harder to listen to the beast for the few seconds it takes to realize we’re inhaling and exhaling. A short break in the critical monologue can go a long way toward helping us tune it out.
4. Do it solo.
For some, it’s just as easy to get trapped in self-criticism alone as it is with a partner or in a roomful of people. For others, noticing the beast – and maintaining control of the wheel – feels easier when we’re alone. If the beast just won’t quit when you’re in bed with your snookums or in a group exercise setting, g’head and try working on yourself by yourself (with or without weights, nudgenudge).
5. Connect through sharing.
Thanks to social media and the idealized Bullshit-O-Matic that is women-focused media, we imagine that everyone else is living in a big ol’ sex-and-exercise-inspired endorphinfest. Not so much. The beast tells us we’re the only one – the only one not connecting with our partner, the only one not following through on our commitments – so we isolate. The more isolated we become, the harder and more uncomfortable it feels to sit still, never mind tap the gas. The beast is a regular topic in a course I teach, and every one of the course-takers gets strength from knowing she’s not alone, that she’s not the only one harboring a self-sabotaging beast, and that there are things she can do every minute of every day to take the wheel back.
None of us is trying to have sex – or work out – in a vacuum. 3 Everything we do, every way we treat ourselves, and every factor in our lives impacts how available we are to experience pleasure. Whether we want to get off or get buff, the critical beast will keep us stuck. Practicing being present can provide us with what we need – with the space, the time, the truth, and the fuel – to be able to move forward. 4
I need to print this and read it everyday !! Can you add it to class?